ehh

I haven't blogged much lately, I think I feel like my life is waist deep in water. Not that I'm drowning, but that it is a certain possibility. I guess I just generally live in fear. I'm pretty sure I don't like that. It seems only mildly paralyzing like sorta just want things to go better/different but not really displeased with life. Just sorta half and half. I guess I wish I had more control in life. Maybe that's alot of it. Control. I never really have any or need any but always feel like I ought to have alot of it. I mean I generally have a moderate amount of self-control, but not others control. I was reading chapter 5 of both James and 1 Peter yesterday. The articulate words are starting to blossom inside my head I think. Just the fact that we can't control our world other than how we respond to it(our actions do make ripples) and also that alot of people struggle with what I struggle with, or more specifically other people do mental gymnastics/chase their own tail in their heads all day too. I find this hard to believe, but nevertheless, the concept is reassuring.

I have a meeting with the boss in 10 mins. I'm always afraid that he's gonna yell at me. I'm not sure he's yelled at me enough times for this fear to be at all valid. ugh.

yesterday I was eating a bag of M&M's I bit into a single yellow skittle, it was strange, this is how life sorta feels to me.